No plans for spring break? Don’t do this…

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By Yesenia Coello
Campus News

What are your plans for Spring Break? If you’re planning to curl up in bed and catch up with “Bates Motel,” you’re not alone. In fact, I would be surprised if you did have actual plans. You probably didn’t even realize Spring Break was right around the corner. And we don’t blame you! After weeks of trying to nail down the whole adulting thing and spending hours studying for midterms, the last thing you want to do is exert your remaining energy into planning a week-long getaway.

With that in mind, how do we explain the 2012 film “Spring Breakers?” If you have friends like the protagonists depicted in the film, you should probably reevaluate your life choices. Sure, the film is apparently a social critique of Millennial culture, but do you know anyone who would get high on cocaine and rob a local restaurant from some quick cash?

Because you’re a poor college student, you probably have low expectations for Spring Break to begin with (unless you forgot when Spring Break was). At most, you’re probably willing to travel 30 miles out of town to keep your more extraverted friends company while they have fun. The reality is that you would much rather spend the week sleeping in until noon with your dog beside you.

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What do to the protagonists of “Spring Breakers” do when it finally dawns on them that they’re as broke as the rest of us? Rob a restaurant while high off their horses. I’m not even kidding. If you’re this desperate, then you probably should visit a therapist. This swell in rising action sounds like it came straight out of an episode of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” No college student has that much willpower and stamina to pull something like that off or even has the desire to attempt it.

After coming to terms with the fact that you’re literally stranded in your small town for Spring Break, your expectations can’t be dashed any further (unless the Wi-Fi poops out. Then you’re really screwed). This is liberating – you can literally walk the house in your underwear if you really wanted to. No one will judge you (except maybe your dog). Thus, all that pent-up agony that’s been building up throughout the semester is finally released. It’s like escaping Shawshank. I mean, seriously, you literally become a different person when you’re away from all your friends.

But if you’re a grown-up child who believes that they’re immune to the law, you might just end up in prison like our protagonists do. And inevitably, James Franco will bail you out of jail. Which, is probably more of a punishment than a blessing. It’s even more unnerving that his character is a shady gangster with the alias “Alien.” Exactly the kind of guy you would want fathering your children! Most normal people would be bugging the heck out (and they wouldn’t have ended up in jail in the first place), if this slimy loser showed up to bail them out. Instead, our protagonists think he’s some bad boy who’s just the company they need to keep them occupied over Spring Break. Because that’s the first thing we all think of when seeing James Franco in any movie.

As for your break, everything goes according to plan. You catch up on those shows you’ve fallen behind on, snuggled your puppy enough times to make him tired of you, and caught enough Z’s so that you don’t return to campus as a part of the Walking Dead. By keeping your expectations low (and by being poor), you were able to have a low-key, stress-free Spring Break. You couldn’t ask for anything better.

But if you’re a hyperbolic stereotype, then you end up entering a life of debauchery and crime like in the film. Not exactly the triumphant climax you were aiming for. But hey, it was worth it, right? You finally got to release all that stress you’ve been carrying by going crazy like the girls of “Spring Breakers.” How do you feel now?

Whatever your plans are for Spring Break (which I assume involves a warm dog), just don’t inadvertently kill James Franco, okay?