Cody’s Column: Choose your own political adventure

By Cody Fitzgerald
Campus News

As election season approaches, naturally we’re going to run into conflict with some family members. Today, I want to make sure you’re as prepared as possible, so I’ve set up a test to ensure you’re ready for every possibility.

1. Someone mentions who they’re voting for in the election, what do you say?
   A) Mention that you agree/disagree with who they’re voting for (Go to 2)
   B) Keep your mouth shut (Go to 3)

2. Someone else in the room disagrees with you and begins to obnoxiously force their opinion onto you, what do you do?
   A) Argue back and tell them why you feel the way you do (Go to 4)
   B) Politely tell them you disagree and subtly try to change the subject (Go to 5)

3. The conversation continues and eventually someone looks at you and asks who you think should win, what do you say?
   A) Tell them who you plan on voting for (Go to 6)
   B) Say you don’t follow politics and try to change the subject (Go to 5)

4. The conversation escalates and (per usual nowadays) turns into a Corona discussion. Naturally, a mask denier begins to speak, what do you say?
   A) Tell them masks are useful and necessary for public health (Go to 7)
   B) Agree with them and say that masks are useless (Go to 8)

5. You change the subject successfully but your aunt begins to complain to you about her divorce. You avoided politics, but was it really worth it? You lose.

6. The person you’re arguing with whips out Facebook and uses a political minion meme to attempt to make their case. Do you contain your laughter?
   A) Yes (Go to 10)
   B) No (Go to 11)

7. They continue to argue with you, what do you do?
   A) Try to use logic to prove them wrong (Go to 9)
   B) Realize you’re not going to get anywhere and not even try (Go to 9)
   C) Compare a mask denier to a flat earther (Go to 9)

8. You’re an idiot. Stop reading this article and go check out some science (not on Facebook). You not only lose the game, you’re losing at being a functioning member of society.

9. They’re probably going to argue with you but they are likely a brick wall that refuses to acknowledge science. You might have to deal with the conversation, but just know that you are well above whoever you’re debating with. You win.

10. You haven’t laughed at them, so they still feel like they are winning the argument, do you let them have this win or attempt to push a little more?
    A) Let them feel good about themselves (Go to 12)
    B) Try to go further and win the argument (Go to 13)

11. Oh no (in a sarcastic tone), you made them cry. They act quickly and remove you from their Facebook friends list. You have now successfully cut off communication with this person and got them to be the one to do it! You win!

12. Well, I’m proud of you. You didn’t necessarily win the argument, but you did avoid a major blow up where you lose a few brain cells just talking to them. You win for being the bigger person.

13. There is not much else to say at this point other than the other person is fuming. They finally blow up and say “You’re one of the people ruining this country!” What do you say?
    A) Argue back even more (Go to 14)
    B) Chuckle at what they said and walk away (Go to 16)

14. You’re not gonna get anywhere, and to be honest you’re just as bad as the other person. Stalemate.

15. The time is now. Pringles has been laughing at us for years as we try to reach into their improbable design of a can. We need to act. This needs to change. #WarOnPringles

16. Congratulations! You got them just mad enough to the point where you can walk away as they are steaming from the ears. We love a good relationship breaker. You win!

Cody Fitzgerald is a Schuylerville (NY) High School senior aspiring to become a screenwriter and comedian.