By Cody Fitzgerald
Campus News
Living in a time where the United States education system’s biggest takeaways are useless math formulas, a lack of understanding in the importance of the arts and “yeah, America had slaves but that was like a couple generations ago so we’re fine now,” it may come as a shock that the whole “hard work gets you places” mantra is the biggest lie of them all. Obviously, it’s with good intention, but TikTok, Amy Schumer and Pringles have proven that you don’t need any ounce of skill to be successful. For all of you reading this with aspirations and dreams of changing the world with your hidden talent, don’t. I’ve prepared a list of all the ways that your talent can easily be translated into success. Use the list below (alphabetized for your convenience) and see what my advice for your next career move is-
Are you an artist? The key here is to remember that unoriginality is key. Nobody likes it when you express yourself, it’s better to rip off and critique someone else’s work because we love negativity! There’s no point in “taking your time,” or “sending a message,” or “conveying your feelings” because we all know no one has the attention span or critical thinking skills to understand that anymore.
Do you have a knack for comedy? You may aspire to be like some of the greats, George Carlin, Joan Rivers, Richard Pryor, but you’re looking in the wrong place. No one wants to sit through an hour long Netflix special, they want TikToks! Your counter culture, your social commentary and your original thoughts can all wait. It’s in your best interest to swap these out for short, 10 second clips that rely on immature humor, stereotypes and being a nuisance in public.
Maybe you find that you’re great at cooking? While you may feel inclined to cook something unique, actual food is never the route to go. Make a YouTube channel and contemplate whether or not you’re going to insert bleach into your body as you fill your bathtub with slime, orbeez or anything of the sort. People eat this stuff up (see what I did there)?
Have you dabbled in the lost art of dancing? You might want to let loose and dance freely, or maybe even create your own routine, but this isn’t what you want to do. Swallow your pride and throw on the catchiest part of a Cardi B song and dance the exact same way everyone else is, blend right in!
Do you have the urge to inform the public, maybe a career in journalism? Remember, the truth is only what you believe. If you get really desperate, drop a few QAnon references and you’ve already got half the population wrapped right around your finger!
Maybe you don’t have something specific, but you want to relate to people and focus on personality? TLC has the market for you! Have a kid at sixteen, have more than five kids, have misbehaved kids, adopt kids or just pluck an eyebrow and they’ll give you 10 seasons.
Oh God, do you wanna be a politician? {See journalist.}
Have you found your talent in singing? In a market so oversaturated, why not take your shot at blowing up off TikTok? Remember, it’s not about singing talent. You just need to be the loudest person in the room and repeat something generic over and over so everyone gets your Kindergarten lyricism stuck in their head.
Have you discovered that you’re good at songwriting? Much like being an artist, originality is always a bad idea. It’s always best to pander to whatever your demographic is, never be pure or honest in your songwriting. Try “my partner is moving away so we have to stay close through the phone,” or “you left (clothing item) at my house before we broke up and that’s all I have to remember you by,” or “normalize being a manipulative and terrible partner and excuse it,” I guarantee you there’s plenty of room left for you to be original.
Don’t quit your day job.
Cody Fitzgerald is a Schuylerville (NY) High School senior aspiring to become a screenwriter and comedian.
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