By Cody Fitzgerald
Campus News
Chances are, if you’re reading this, you live in the great Upstate New York. Apart from having to say “no, I don’t live in the city” every time you meet someone, an overwhelming number of Trump flags still hanging up and our only notable quality being that we have some big rocks in the Adirondacks, Upstaters are also probably getting a little sick of the weatherpeople. Speaking as someone who sits on his bed and gets high off himself as he compares Ted Cruz to the Pillsbury Doughboy, I am well aware that I am in no position to mock any meteorologist who devotes a significant portion of their life studying earth science and weather patterns to try and keep us all well equipped and prepared for whatever the world may throw at us. That being said, I went for a “Cody Run’’ recently, in which I jog for 32 seconds and walk the rest, and while I did I looked up at the clouds and thought “huh, I could do this.” You know where we go from here.
March 20 – 51˚ and Sunny, not enough to make you comfortably warm but enough to cause floods with the melted snow
March 21 – Our yearly late term surprise blizzard. Ted Cruz will criticize our state government for not doing enough to help victims of the storm
March 22 – Recovery from blizzard, 37˚ and windy. I wear green pants today and can’t understand where my legs went when they’re green screened out of the frame
March 23 – Brief overview of the weather, cut short because some stupid 4th grader got brought onto the news to show off his kazoo skills
March 24- I find my legs
March 25 – Tell people that the air quality has dropped to toxic levels and that they need to wear a mask, and watch them still try and deny it
March 26 – We all learn how to spell Bob Kovachick
March 27 – No weather today.
March 28 – When it’s over, so they say. It’ll rain a sunny day. I know, shining down like water. I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?
March 29 – Facebook contest – anyone who likes and shares the local news’ Facebook profile gets put in a drawing to have the next hurricane named after them
March 30 – 3 hour analysis on if opening an umbrella indoors is indeed bad luck
March 31 – Yes, there’s 31 days in March
April 1 – Incite panic over a Category 5 hurricane, and then let everyone know it was an April Fool’s joke
April 2 – We take a break from the weather to celebrate a year since COVID was supposed to be over
April 3 – 3 straight white male high school dropouts argue climate change is not real and believe Al Gore was the main character from “The Sopranos”
April 4 – Report everything in Celsius but don’t tell anyone that we switched
April 5 – 81˚ and perfect, but you have to cancel your plans because you still haven’t done your taxes
In retrospect, I have a newfound respect for meteorologists.
Cody Fitzgerald is a current high school senior satirizing anything and everything he can get his hands on. Aspiring to become “one of the cool” High School English teachers, he hopes to share this outlook/coping mechanism with future generations.
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