By Cody Fitzgerald
Campus News
Lately, there’s been so much going on in the news that it’s hard to keep track of who’s doing what and what’s happening. I wanted to make these headlines a little more accessible and user friendly, so here’s a brief rundown of what’s going on in the news lately-
- Uproar after masses discover Stewart’s hot dogs don’t come in the package
- Several New York weatherpeople quit, citing long days
- Delta Airlines attempts to sue COVID for defamation
- Every scientist and doctor in the country says you should get a vaccine, but your pastor and racist uncle say no. Who do you trust?
- NBC hosts scramble to find someone who actually watched the Olympics so they can report on them
- Studies show young people “more receptive to logic”
- Eric Clapton still sucks
- Republican efforts to redraw districts in the Electoral College thrown out after it was discovered the proposal was done with a crayon
- Six Flags announces new “COVID Coaster,” with the hills and drops mimicking a graph of the United States’ COVID cases
- Marjorie Taylor Greene to join “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader” reboot as one of the elementary students
- Facebook memories notes that you were lying on your couch and crying eating ice cream one year ago today
- TLC holds open auditions for new people to exploit
- Ron Desantis bans seatbelts
- (Pringles joke)
- People with a brain rose to remind you that we shouldn’t be cancelling unemployment, and the minimum wage should go up; those opposed replied with “naa naa na poopoo, I don’t care” and then blew a raspberry
- Studies show Republican trust in science is diminishing
- Studies show scientists’ trust in Republicans is diminishing
- Meghan McCain critiques Chris Cuomo for nepotism (this one isn’t even a joke, the satire is writing itself)
- Disney shuts down in hail mary effort to not pay female stars
- Andrew Cuomo writes book praising himself on how he’s handled his controversy
- Jesus jealous of George Orwell for quickly gaining steam on the “message taken severely out of context” rankings
- Jeff Bezos comments on his phallic shaped rocket, “What? It was supposed to look like me!”
- Tom from MySpace makes reappearance to say “you didn’t want me and look what you’re stuck with now”
- P & R rally to leave alphabet after not wanting to be associated with the letter Q anymore
- Studies show that if you think Simone Biles is betraying her country to focus on her mental health, but you proudly announce that you’re unvaccinated, you should shut up
- Rudy Guiliani will be downgraded to racecar bed in prison, warden says
- To much surprise, Cody Fitzgerald finishes an article on time and it’s longer than 10 sentences
There you have it. Busy times, but I hope you’re up to speed on everything going in the world. Until next time, make sure you preplan your space trips and check that your rocket cannot be taken out of context.
Cody Fitzgerald is a 2021 Schuylerville (NY) High School grad satirizing anything and everything he can get his hands on. Aspiring to become “one of the cool” High School English teachers, he hopes to share this outlook/coping mechanism with future generations.
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