By Darren Johnson
Campus News
This time of year, you may be visiting people’s homes for meals, good cheer and gift-exchanging, and one constant of every such gathering is a football game blaring on a big flat screen TV in the main room. Usually, that’s for your throwback Uncle, who you only see this time of year, and he may be there on the couch with a sweating six pack of beer nearby – usually the tall-boy variety with the word “ICE” inscribed prominently on the cans in shiny ALL-CAPS.
Ice beer? It must be really cold.
Eventually, Uncle Ray attracts a crowd – I mean who doesn’t like beer that comes from a glacier? – and, awkward and fumbling for something to say, we’re wondering what we’re all looking at on the screen. I mean, we want to be polite. How do we share in this gridiron spectacle?
Let me help you. I played high school football and, after that, played Madden for a few years, so am conversant on the rules of the game and the mores of communal TV football watching. Let’s handle this in FAQ format:
OK, I happen upon someone watching a random football game. How do I quickly immerse myself without sounding stupid?
Take a glance at the screen. There will be a score along the bottom. The team listed to the right is the home team, so you can say, “Wow, the weather is a lot better/worse in (name of town).” That’s always a good ice-breaker.
A college football game may be easier to quickly gauge, as the top 25 teams will have a little number next to the team’s name on the bottom of the screen. “Oh, State U is ranked No. 15. Not bad!” You’ll quickly sound like a true fan.
Madden? Who is Madden?
John Madden was an Oakland Raiders coach and later announcer – he is still alive but since has retired – who lent his name to a football video game at one point in time and made zillions off of that. He was interesting in that he had a fear of flying, which made it hard to get him to games each week. He also concocted a Thanksgiving turkey with eight drumsticks, for the winning team to pull from after the game. Usually that team wasn’t the Detroit Lions.
In any case, playing the video game will help you understand how football games work. For example, of course you have your punter throw a pass on fourth-and-40.
Why is Uncle Ray yelling at the TV?
He probably has money on one team or the other. Sports betting is practically legal now. Let’s face it, he usually picks the wrong team, and bets over his head.
But his team is winning. Can’t he calm down?
With sports betting there’s something called a “point spread” where bookmakers place odds on a game. For example, if Uncle Ray’s team is a favorite, the bookmakers may require the team to win by a certain number of points. If the point spread is -7, but his team only wins by 6, his nieces and nephews won’t be getting Christmas presents from him this year – again. (When he does buy Christmas presents, he usually shops at Rite Aid day-of.)
Tell me more about Uncle Ray.
He was married once. Bought a house and everything. This was last century. She left him after only a month of living together – said she couldn’t stand him – and he hasn’t had any prospects since. In high school, he had been considered handsome and to have a bright future, but since he mostly makes due with occasional handyman jobs, as needed.
Wait, now Uncle Ray is passed out on the couch.
Yeah, that happens. Sorry you had to see that.
Would he mind if we take another beer?
Sure. Go ahead. If he wakes up, say he drank it.
How did Uncle Ray end up like this? Alone, broke, with an obvious alcohol problem, cheering for a bunch of young adults in helmets who may end up with brain damage?
Come on. It’s the holidays.
Think he’d mind if we change the channel?
Only if “Christmas Vacation” is on. No one can get upset when that’s on. Cousin Eddie rules. And they have a young Juliet Lewis playing the sarcastic daughter. Also, Elaine from “Seinfeld” and the mom from “Everybody Loves Raymond” are in it!
Why do they call it “Christmas Vacation” when the Griswolds just stay home the whole movie?
I don’t know. No one knows.
“Christmas Vacation” isn’t on. The game is over. Who are these meatheads with no necks in suits at a desk trying to be funny?
They are former players and coaches and pretty annoying, I agree. They are trying too hard; I mean, the guy threw a few touchdowns in the 1970s and now he’s Jimmy Kimmel?
Think we should wake Uncle Ray up for pie?
It would be irresponsible of us if we didn’t.
Darren Johnson wishes you a happy and safe holiday season. Contact him at cccn@cccn.us.
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