By Darren Johnson
Campus News
It’s the 35th anniversary of the Nails one-hit-wonder “88 Lines About 44 Women,” a song that peaked at No. 46 on the Billboard charts back when, but, since, has become a cult classic.
In case you don’t know the song, it uses alternate-line rhyming poetic verses to describe 44 women the lead singer apparently had dated.
Meanwhile, 10 years ago I started writing Netflix reviews. Back then, it seemed manageable using traditional critiquing. I was the only person at a newspaper writing these. Now everyone does, and there are so many shows, any reviews I write quickly fall down the Google rankings as new shows and new reviews are uploaded. I can’t stay relevant!
So let me try something else. In the spirit of that one great song by the Nails, here’s my rendition — except I’ll double it! How about “176 Lines About 88 Netflix Offerings?” Enjoy.
“Stranger Things” is about a bunch of retro kids
Who solve 1980s mysteries.
“Breaking Bad” is a binge-watch bender
About Southwestern methamphetamine miseries.
“Queer Eye” transformed into a feel-good
summer makeover show.
“The Office” is leaving Netflix
Says Michael Scott, “That’s Fo’ Sho’.”
“Dexter” is a psycho cop who
Mostly murders criminals.
“Mad Men” are cool ad guys
Whose drinking is medicinal.
“Last Chance U” shows a junior
College football meltdown.
“Pulp Fiction” is five-dollar shakes
And the Gimp who is leather-bound.
“My Next Guest” proves how boring
David Letterman can be.
“Comedians in Cars” shows
Jerry Seinfeld’s pomposity.
“Schitt’$ Creek” is well-done comedy,
Despite it being from Canada.
“Ozark” stars Jason Bateman
In a messy backwater brouhaha.
Chappelle is the best comedian,
Smoking, big and imposing.
“GLOW’s” a campy wrestling show
With fighting women in the ring.
“Trailer Park Boys” isn’t high art
But may hit the spot if you are high.
“The Highwaymen” is a different take
On the capture of Bonnie and Clyde.
“Jim & Andy” is a wild look at
“The Man on the Moon.”
From “Not to Hot” is about
kind-of-trashy Mama June.
Stallone’s on view in “Rockys”
Sequels one-through-five.
“Orange Is the New Black”
Is more than just doing time.
“Better Call Saul” is a lawyer show
About forlorn midlife ennui.
“The Founder” is a well-acted
Drama about McDonald’s trajectory.
“The Emoji Movie” are two hours
You’ll never get back.
“Black Mirror” is a weird sci-fi trip
That’s also kind of whack.
“Sextuplet” is a new film
Where Marlon Wayans plays all the kids.
“House Bunny” is a college romp;
A sorority that hits the skids.
“The Family” is a journalistic look
At how a religious sect influences DC.
Sebastian Maniscalco gesticulates a lot
As his wall of jokes fill my TV.
“Dear White People” has now
Released an interesting Part 3.
“Groundhog Day” comes back again
And again and again, indefinitely.
“Gran Torino” has an old Clint Eastwood
Yelling, “Get off my lawn!”
“Thor Ragnarok” is a cartoonish look
At Thor, the Hulk and lots of brawn.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral”
Is dated, trite and not worth your time.
Spoiling “The Panic Room,”
The good people end up just fine.
“Historical Roasts” pokes fun at Lincoln
And Hitler and goes too far very fast.
“Street Food” is a dull look at cooking
The FDA would never pass.
Adam Sandler is everywhere, with
Awkward movies that are DOA.
“The Hangover” is much better
Than trendy hipster “Blown Away.”
On “Star Trek TNG,” Data saves
the crew again and again.
But anything’s better than
The insipid sitcom “Friends.”
“Mr. Iglesias” tries an old-school sitcom;
Fluffy’s first career mistake.
“Pineapple Express” is merely
A moronic wake and bake.
“Shameless” is just too trashy
For me to really enjoy.
Instead there’s polished comedy
From standup comic Jo Koy.
“The Hateful Eight” is my
Least favorite Tarantino flick.
“Dope” is a daring look at
The war on narcotics.
“Cheers” seems quaint today,
But was a major hit back when.
“House of Cards” may be worth a binge,
Intrigue until the bitter end.
“Portlandia” could be good;
That’s a show I’ll never see.
“The Punisher’s” just too much;
How about some subtlety?
“Jack” trades baseball cards,
Even though there are few buyers.
The stars of “Making a Murderer”
Are simply ignorant liars.
“Good Will Hunting’s” a janitor
Who solves complex math equations.
“The 40-Year-Old Virgin” has
Gone a long time without relations.
“Voyager” is a good series for
Those who aren’t “Star Trek” nerds.
“The King’s Speech” is a monarch
Who is at a stunning loss for words.
“The Sixth Sense” is an underrated
Ghost movie from 1999.
“A Clockwork Orange” uses
Clamps to hold open people’s eyes.
“Chuck” was a real boxing guy
Who somehow survived Ali.
“The Place Beyond the Pines”
Was mostly filmed in Schenectady.
“Caddyshack” will soon turn 40,
A nostalgic, silly popcorn caper.
“Nobody Speak: Trials of the
Free Press” sounds good on paper.
“The People vs. OJ Simpson” has
To end with an acquit.
Bob Ross is a soothing guy
Whose paintings are just ____.
“The Magnificent Ambersons”
Is Orson Welles in black and white.
“The Book of Eli” is just
Not worth the fight.
Louis CK is talking weird;
Why were we surprised when he got caught?
“Platoon” is a Vietnam Oscar-Winner
About a war better just not fought.
Lots of shows about marijuana,
The best of which is silly “Weeds.”
“Scarface” gets shot 20 times,
But somehow doesn’t even bleed.
“The Great Hack” shows us
How we’re all being tracked.
Anthony Bourdain samples
Every whacky foreign snack.
Jessica Jones” was that woman in
“Breaking Bad,” who died in Jesse’s bed.
“Black Panther” is a cool super-hero
You should maybe try instead.
“The Break-Up” is a bad rom-com;
Anything with Jennifer Aniston is.
“The Assassination of Gianni Versace”
Really stars psycho Darren Criss.
“Megatomb’s” about Chernobyl,
A region with an atomic glow.
I never thought Kevin Hart was funny,
But what do I know?
“Monty Python’s Flying Circus”
May be the strangest sketch comedy flight.
“The Perfect Bid” is about a game-show
Nerd who won “The Price Is Right.”
“13 Reason Why” is a series about suicide
That’s just too sad.
The newer “Star Wars” movies
Look good but still are pretty bad.
“Deliverance” with Burt Reynolds makes
Me not want to travel.
“Andy Griffith” is only funny when
Don Knotts unravels.
Iliza Schlesinger is pretty funny
But also a bit of a narcissist.
Bert Kreischer is overweight and shirtless;
also funny, but the opposite.
Grizzled Marc Maron does a solid job,
Entertaining us across the queue.
I think I’d like Riverdale, if I were
Younger, hip and 22.
And that’s 176 lines about 88 Netflix offerings!
Facebook Comments