Cody’s Column: Peppa Pig for President

By Cody Fitzgerald
Campus News

If you’ve read these articles before, it’s not hard to realize that I am an incredibly left-wing, eat the rich, so Liberal I’m off the political compass loudmouth, and with that, I’ve been incredibly invested in the 2022 election, as well as utterly terrified for the impending circus that is going to be the 2024 presidential election.  This being said, as beat in the face blue as I am, I’m not loving the current administration run on false promises and pretending that the issues plaguing our country and democracy right now aren’t happening.  Now, before you run to Facebook and send photos of me around captioned “Let’s Go Branden,” remember that I would much prefer what we have now than the neo-Nazi bioterrorist cult that came before it.  This being said, I’m hoping that 2024 can provide us with some candidates truly invested in what’s good for the American people regardless of who they are.  Let’s examine some of the political candidates I’ll be endorsing in this upcoming presidential election.

• Ilhan Omar – Fighting for equality and representation for all Americans, Omar stands for diversity and inclusion in a very tense time socially.
• Jon Ossoff – All around focused on improving the lives of American citizens, Ossoff socially and economically has the backs of blue collar workers of any background.
• Bob the Builder – Focused on American infrastructure, this former construction worker knows how to get things done, and will deliver on providing a safer, more efficient and better looking America, “building back better.”

  

• Doc McStuffins – Pushing for better healthcare for all Americans, a young, fresh perspective in the Oval Office can and will provide safe and affordable care for all Americans.
• The Cake Boss – He is on the correct side of the Israel/Palestine conflict, he just won’t tell you what it is.
• Statler and Waldorf – Compared to the median age of current Presidents/candidates, America’s first dual presidency will provide a fresh, young set of hands to speak for younger generations feeling left out by significantly older administrations.
• Batman – Fighting for peace without retaliation, Batman’s deep-toned voice would still be less annoying than Trump’s.
• Captain Planet – He would probably at least acknowledge climate change, right?
• Dora the Explorer- Dora promises to be wide awake at events regarding foreign affairs.
• Homer Simpson – Mr. Simpson has had access to nuclear codes for decades and has never once tweeted threatening North Korea.
• Peppa Pig – Standing at a whopping 7’1”, Peppa Pig’s sheer size and demeanor is enough to scare off foreign enemies and domestic threats from even showing their face.
• El Chapo – The only difference between El Chapo and a member of the GOP is that the former is upfront about their crimes.
• Simon Cowell – Cowell’s history of audience-selected talent shows indicates that he has to somewhat care about voting, which is an improvement on politicians.
• Bill Nye- This would be cool.
• Larry the Cucumber – Throwing my personal views on religion in politics out for a second, if we have to have faith play a role in the process, I’d like a Christian president who actually upholds their religious values.
• Lucy Van Pelt – While she might retract a football or two, she distinctively would not incite a terrorist attack on the Capitol building.

Remember to get out there and vote!  Whether it be Peppa Pig or the Cake Boss, get your voice heard.  Regardless of whether or not you vote for a Jesus-loving cucumber, 2022 and 2024 are going to be crucial elections that you should be a part of.  You can go to vote.org to find your locations, see if and how you can vote early and register in as easy as two minutes.  Our democracy depends on it, and now is your time to get ahead of the game!

Cody Fitzgerald is a 2021 Schuylerville High School grad satirizing anything and everything he can get his hands on. Aspiring to become “one of the cool” High School English teachers, he now attends Siena College and hopes to share this outlook/coping mechanism with future generations.