Can a feminist enjoy ‘The Bachelor?’ Really? I can’t believe this is happening to me!

By Kaylee Johnson
Campus News

I am a feminist that religiously watches the ABC mega-hit reality show “The Bachelor.” I don’t put it on as background noise while I write poetry or indulge in literature; I am glued to the screen, wondering why the show isn’t on every day of the week. I am embarrassed to confess that I am so devoted, as it goes against everything I believe in. Yet, it is the only thing that I look forward to on dreary Monday nights, and I find myself yelling at the inarticulate blondes polluting my television screen with their backhanded comments and push-up bras. This season Colton Underwood is the first virgin bachelor, and ABC has been pushing the sex jokes a little too far. Of course, everyone is wondering how the blue-eyed hunk persevered his virginity; religion, childhood abuse, homosexuality, disease, or simply old-fashioned values? This could also all be a lie in an attempt to increase ratings; Colton does seem like the type that is starved for stardom at any cost. Here are a few observations I made while watching Mr. “They called me a pussy because I have never seen one’s” season of “The Bachelor”:

1. Colton kisses like my dog licks peanut butter out of her marrow bone. Host Chris Harrison, please take him to an Applebees bar full of eager women and let him practice. If you can’t do that, take him to an foreclosed Sears and let him go to town with the abandoned mannequins.

2. One day the young bombshell twenty-somethings calling the thirty-year-old women “cougars” will tragically hit the wall and move into a dirty trailer park on the outskirts of Orlando or some other depressing resort area.

3. Please stop making country musicians that nobody has heard of show up on dates. The face licking is awkward enough; we do not need to see Colton attempt to waltz like an acne ridden sixteen-year-old at junior prom.

4. I wonder if ABC will ever cast a semi-intelligent Bachelor who can finish a sentence without saying “like,” “you know,” “at” or “totally.”

5. The best part of watching The Bachelor is mocking grown women who just came to the realization that their manic episode didn’t pan out as they cry in a limo with cameras in their faces.

6. How are these women weightlifting with barrel curls and faces full of makeup? I can barely exercise with no makeup and a greasy ponytail.

7. I can’t wait for the day when a woman says no to a bachelor that asks her “Can I walk you out?” I have never understood that painful walk and side hug; as if being dumped by a reality star who has 30 other girlfriends isn’t humiliating enough, now you must be walked to an eerie van that will drive you to the airport, because honestly, you are just not his type.

8. How bad does your love life have to be that you decide to go on “The Bachelor” and make an entrance dressed as a sloth? One woman donned such a costume.

9. The job descriptions for these women are ludicrous. One woman simply has “Never Been Kissed” in bold under her name.

10. Every single woman on the show is in a constant state of wine drunkenness and delusional narcissism. I can only imagine the kind of conversations that they have; I highly doubt they involve Kant and the difference between ethics and morals.

In the Me Too era, “The Bachelor” seems backwards, but women are still tuning in; they are hooked by the trashiness of the characters. Just because I spend two hours of my life every week watching one guy make out with 30 women does not take away from my devotion to female equality and fight to abolish patriarchy. I spend my days writing, attending classes, and managing my schedule, so if I want to watch mindless reality TV at night, I should not be filled with shame, and neither should you. I have a friend on Facebook who claims that their favorite show is “God Friended Me,” so one’s taste in television could always be worse. Now go get that rose; you are not here to make friends!

Kaylee Johnson is a junior Education major with an English concentration at the College of Saint Rose in Albany, N.Y. She someday hopes to get a Master of Fine Arts degree in Writing.