By Cody Fitzgerald
Campus News
We’ve all been there. The state that you were elected to represent is going through a natural disaster and you just have a sudden urge to fly to Cancun. I, for one, hate when this happens, and Lord knows I’ve been there. Let’s go step by step and figure out how to make sure you go about it correctly once you find yourself shamelessly returning.
First, let’s start with the excuses:
You may have this Pavlovian instinct to blame Jesus. If you recall your past behaviors, it’s possible that you’ve told cancer patients to their face that they don’t need easy access to insurance because “you’re keeping them in your prayers.” It’s important to remember that your God is not everybody else’s God, and you can’t use him as an excuse.
Obviously every parent’s instinct is to blame their children, so naturally you say that you wanted to be a good parent and say yes to their trip. To clarify, you may think it’s perfectly okay to ditch your state in a time of crisis and then blame your children for it. Although this is a surefire ticket to parent of the year, you might want to refrain from doing this.
Obviously this may be hard for you, but it’s important to be honest. My best advice is to look in the mirror, try and get past the fact you look like the Pillsbury Doughboy after his third divorce, and practice telling people the whole truth. With that, we have to note a few things you should hit on-
Be sure to let people know that you clearly had no intention of returning. You should mention that you invited your college roommate on this trip, and that you were likely going to spend a significant amount of time there.
Note your dog, that you left at your house alone in freezing temperatures while you and your family took off to Cancun. Put your middle school level education to use and note the irony that your dog is named Snowflake, the derogatory term you use for those that you believe are weaker than you, when you can’t even withstand the situation and temperatures in your state.
Acknowledge Beto O’Rourke and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who have been raising money for victims of the cold front in your state and (in a concept foreign to you) didn’t profit one penny off of it.
At this point, you might realize that literally no one likes you anymore. You’ve burned every bridge, and the failed orange tyrant that you’ve been licking the shoes of for four years has no use for you anymore, so your career is over. In true American fashion, none of your supporters cared that you supported a terrorist attack on the Capitol building, because it didn’t affect them personally. Now that they’re feeling the effects of your incompetence, you have committed political suicide, it’s time to realize that you have the likeability of a Pringle, and reflect on your pathetic little career.
You’ve gone out numerous times and stated that you do not believe in climate change, then do not comment on the issue when your Southern state freezes over. You attacked Steve Adler on Twitter for flying to Cabo, noting how he was insensitive and selfish for doing this mid-crisis. You demonize immigrants who cross the Mexican border to leave a bad situation, then shamelessly do the exact same thing. It’s become clear through your past and current actions that you care about no one but yourself, and so long as you can continue benefiting from others suffering, you won’t care enough to change. You should do the people of Texas, and the people of America, a favor- resign and give the Pillsbury Doughboy his reputation back.
Cody Fitzgerald is a current high school senior satirizing anything and everything he can get his hands on. Aspiring to become “one of the cool” High School English teachers, he hopes to share this outlook/coping mechanism with future generations.
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